I hate coffee.

Let me rephrase. I don’t understand coffee. Maybe I should put it in a context.

So this is my third week since working here at OMB and I’ve adjusted fairly quickly into the routines of the office. Wake up at 7:30. Shower. Get Dressed. Walked to the metro station. Grab breakfast (always sausage egg and cheese). Arrive at my desk by 9. Start to fall asleep by 10.

Using my strong will, I try to stay awake until lunch time. My will usually wins during the morning time, all thanks to its strong comrade called appetite for lunch. Then comes 12, when I grab lunch for a mid battle break. But lo and behold, another battalion of sleep army marches in as soon as this mid-day cease fire is over. Come 2pm, my will and the sleep army is entrenched in battle, once again.

And my will loses… always…

I tried afflicting pain to myself, tried light exercise (walking), and even tried pouring water into my eyes. But to no avail, I fall to my knees in the might of slumber, every time. In order to gain some footings in this one sided daily battle, I needed some new arsenal. And weapon of choice as a commanding officer was none other than coffee.

And so far it has worked… to certain extent.

Now that I have provided with some context, let me get back to my main topic of discussion. I don’t understand coffee.

At first, I tried drinking it straight up black, as I was recommended by certain individuals. After one sip I thought to myself, “How the heck people drink this bitter crap?” This is not the first time I had coffee. I’ve had tasted coffee before, of course. But I never drank it enough to have some kind of palette for coffee. And the black coffee was a reminder why I never picked up on the 18 billion dollar industry.

I tried adding milk to sooth the taste. But I was faced with slew of confusing options: powder cream, regular milk, 2%, half-and-half, skim… Yet to my inexperienced tongue those accompaniments did nothing to enhance the experience.

Sugar was worse. Regular, natural sugar, cube, sweetener, SPLENDA, syrups… After deciding to go with the safe route of regular sugar packets, I dropped in 2 packets. Did nothing to the taste. Added one more. Nothing. Another one. Nothing… After about 8 packets, I was able to taste the hint of artificial sweetness of the coffee, I mean sugar.

To my surprise sugar and milk did nothing to rid of the bitter taste of coffee. I was able to taste BOTH bitterness of the coffee AND the sweetness of the sugar at the same time. What the heck???

I just don’t get it. People pay insane amount of money to get a cup filled with bitter black water. Then they add milk to make it white. Which they top it off by adding sugar to get rid of the bitterness that’s inherent to coffee. Why not just drink apple juice? It’s already white and sweet.

They say it’s an acquired taste… but I don’t know if I want to acquire this taste. I think I’ll rather take caffeine pills to stay awake.